More

All of my life, I’ve dreamed of being more. More educated, more kind, more caring, more stronger, more smarter, more able, more moral, more valuable, more of everything that is good in this world. I always wanted to be a superhero, a vigilante, a protector of the innocent, the righter of wrongs.

I read a lot of biographies from our local libraries. The stories include lives of astronauts, politicians, scientists, inventors, creators, artists, human rights activists – basically people saving other people and our planet.

I am always so inspired and blown away by their ability to overcome horrendous circumstances to become truly admirable people.

Some people came from hardships early in life. Corrie Ten Boom, comes to mind. She helped hide Jewish people from the Germans. Eventually she and her sister were caught and put in a concentration camp – where they were starved, abused, and neglected. Her sister died. Corrie was accidentally released from the camp at about age 52. She later found that all the women in her age group were sentenced to death in the gas chambers. Corrie is but one of many human beings who underwent brutal hardships in order to save many other people she did not know.

Other biographies start with stories of beautiful relationships with parents who loved their children, who valued education, and provided positive, traveling interactions in the big world around them. These parents had a strength of character, a joy, and a love of life, that paved a path for the children to become the writers, leaders, designers, and idealists of the future.

I decided to be one of those parents who loved their kid deeply and demonstrated it daily. I chose to get an education and be an advocate for learning. I chose to work in careers that helped teach, nurture, and protect children. I chose to volunteer my time in the many different areas that interested me. I chose to see as much of the world as I could, while I could.

I thought that by becoming this person, by following those biographical examples, I certainly could make the world better, not only for myself, but for generations to come.

Growing up, I always thought everything that went wrong, was my fault. This ridiculous belief led me to think that I had the power to change the world.

I believed that if my mom wouldn’t have gotten pregnant with me at such a young age, she could have lived a very different life. If not for me, maybe she could have been happy. If my parents didn’t have me so young, maybe they could’ve had more time to get to know each other before getting married, and maybe they would’ve never got divorced, or never got married at all, or found true love with someone else. And maybe my dad wouldn’t have disappeared.

When my mom had more kids, it was my responsibility to take care of them. “Shut those crying kids up!” was screamed at me more times than I could ever count. I found ways to shut those crying kids up. I fed them, changed them, sang to them, read to them, played with them, walked the floor with them, got up in the middle of the night with them, and held them, hugged them, and loved them until they were peaceful, sleeping, or happy.

As all those kids grew, I was responsible to watch them. If they did anything wrong, like break a dish or put a hole in the wall, it was my fault. “What the hell were you doing? You were supposed to be watching them!” I got dragged around the house by my hair and I got punished for what they did wrong.

I grew up believing everything my siblings did, was in my power to control.

I have realized this isn’t true. I can’t make anyone do anything, or stop them from making bad decisions. If I could make anyone do anything, I would make people be amazingly loving, kind, smart, strong, resilient, and able to do great things. I would make them take advantage of their natural gifts and talents and become the brilliant people I know they can be. I would turn us all into superheroes. Duh!

But I’m not responsible for other people’s behavior. So, they will live as they choose.

However, I still believe there are a lot of things I can do in the world. I can’t change people, but I can bring to light all the situations that need immediate attention. I can present difficult issues with the ‘why the heck isn’t anyone doing anything’ urgency and maybe it will compel some people to make changes. I can display all the goodness, greatness, and grandness, I can find and maybe it will cause people to think in new ways. I can highlight the best in people and hope they see themselves through my eyes.

And maybe more of the people I love can become great people I’d love to read about.