That’s what I named my blog. I wanted so much for it to be a place of inspirational inventions and creative answers and beautiful ideas. Instead, it’s been my battleground. Here is where I fight with life’s junk. I throw it on these pages, trying to stomp the crap out of it and straighten it out. I writhe in the dirt, huffing and bleeding and screaming obscenities. Because I’m not smart enough to know what else to do. Like a toddler, I just want to lash out at all the hurt until it gives up and leaves me alone and lets me have my way. I just want to punch and kick away the physical pain of my own health issues, and the mental anguish I feel at loved one’s choices. I don’t think I can stand to hear one more negative news story.
Do you know what I mean?
I’m so disappointed in how lost and moronic I am. Today.
Not always. But sometimes. I get wore out. And when I find myself exhausted, I feel so silly. Today I threatened to punch every big, fluffy, snowflake in the face. I have so insanely much to do and not a lot of time to get it all done. Another 3-4 inches of snow, 30-degree temperatures, and slick roads will not help me in any way. I’m trying to pay the bills and do things for people who need a whole lot more help than I can give. I got sucked under another wave. I know better. Why get riled up about people who change their minds faster than their underwear? Why get discouraged about pain that will always be here? I already fought these battles and won. I already decided who I would be no matter what other people were doing.
It’s no secret that this entire blog is me writing to me. Me talking to myself. The internet tells me talking to yourself is a good thing, a sign of genius even (apparently not if my past posts are any indication). I get tired of going around the same mountain, repeating the same mistakes, re-fighting the same battles, relearning the same valuable lessons. These posts keep me aware of what I’ve learned and what I have yet to learn.
I’ve come a long way baby. But I’ve got oh so much further to go.
And I really do want to reach that place where I’m finding inspirational inventions and creative answers and beautiful ideas at every turn. I don’t believe God put us on this planet to sit on our butts or stand on street corners with “repent now” signs, waiting until Revelations. I believe he gave us brains to do really cool and inventive things. He made us in his image. And if he can create entire universes, we surely can use our tiny brains to learn how to get along better and take better care of our planet. At my end, I want to be able to say, “This is what I did with what you gave me.” I didn’t hide it or bury it in shame, just because it looked boring and little and dumb compared to others. I stood my ground and put it all out there, even when I had no idea how or why.
And I hope to hear, “Well done my good and faithful servant.”
Right?
I know these following things to be true. I know my life is filled with Awesome and it’s my job to Appreciate every last bit of it. I know I should not get punch-crazy when fluffy snowflakes interfere with my tight schedule. I have learned a handful of things about relationships, jobs, words, and forgiveness. I know that I have more dreams, goals, and wishes than any one human can fulfill. I know faith, hope, and love can take me to places I never knew existed. I know this world requires us to be brave, to face fear and horror, and to thrive in spite of it.
I hope tomorrow is a new day, I do not want to relive this one.
a new day
I keep waiting for you to come to visit
I wake excited thinking you will finally arrive
but nope
It’s another day just like the last one
I stand in my pajamas wondering
Is it morning or is it night
I’m so tired at both
daylight and star-bright
I wait and I wish and I hope and I pray
Dear Lord, let this be a brand new day
Of All The Things I've Ever Dreamed 